


how much sorrow can i take?

by hollyhobbit101



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s15e18 Despair, F/M, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, NOT the confession scene, Sam Winchester Has Feelings, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Sam deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27533104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollyhobbit101/pseuds/hollyhobbit101
Summary: Sam and grief are old friends.spoilers for 15.18, despair
Relationships: Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	how much sorrow can i take?

**Author's Note:**

> i think we can agree that the less said about _that_ scene, the better. i do not care for dean or cas and you may quote me on that.
> 
> title from mystery of love by sufjan stevens

Sam and grief are old friends. It’s been his constant companion since the day Jess died, ebbing and flowing over the years, but always there in the back of his mind.

It’s taken root firmly in his chest now, looking down at the pile of Eileen’s things on the asphalt, a crack running right across his face on her phone screen. It’s a stupid picture, taken back when she’d been living at the bunker. Back when they’d been dancing around their feelings, neither one of them quite willing to make the first move.

He’s glad he did, eventually, because wishing he hadn’t would only mean erasing more of her and Sam can’t stand to do that. But it’s only made this pain sharper, until he can’t move for it.

He’s struck by the sudden urge to run into her house, imagining that he’ll find her there, having gone inside to grab something, or to turn out a light, or feed the cat.

_ (she doesn’t have a cat. sam knows this. his grief doesn’t) _

At the very least, if he goes inside, he’ll find nothing - which, right now, is everything. Nothing means she’s gone. Nothing means this is real. Nothing means that he really was just a few minutes late to -

To what? To stand and watch her slip away from him, like so many others? To see her snatched out of his life like Jess and Madison and Sarah and Amelia and -

Would that have been worse, to see it? Possibly. Probably.

The pain is unbearable and there’s a prickling in his eyes and Sam just can’t. He won’t. He forces himself to focus, to shove down anything that’s not  _ Fix This _ . There are others - he can protect them, like he failed to do with Eileen.

Not that she ever needed protecting. She hated being protected.

He has one last chance to do some good, to  _ save people _ . And hasn’t that been the point all along? Saving people? He thinks they forgot that, somewhere along the line. 

He has to do this. He has to. For Eileen. For himself.

Sam is so goddamn sick of losing people.

**Author's Note:**

> me, banging pots and pans: LET SAM GRIEVE. LET HIM MOURN. TREAT HIM BETTER YOU COWARDS.
> 
> anyway. i am taking prompts on my tumblr @morganaspendragonss! come say hi!


End file.
